Saddle the Bridge.  Anyone have it?  Bueller?  Jessica Nappa Siegel?  :-)

I fall in love I am going to be much much much more careful with my heart.  And in choosing who I give my heart to. 

*nods* 

So when I was at Smith I took care of a little boy named Tay.  His lesbian moms and I became fast friends, and they essentially adopted me into the family.  I called them my moms and they call me their daughter.  Tay also calls me his sister.

As such they recently decided to adopt a little girl named Lan from Vietnam.  I was one of the first to find out, as I found a picture of her on the dresser.  I have never been so overjoyed to know that I would have a baby sister.  Unfortunately the process of waiting has been much longer than it should be, but the good news is that she is coming home now!!!!  We have waited longer than 9 months beyond when we should have brought her home (January). 

I just got the email this morning that baby Lan is with the family and headed back to the states within a few days.  This means that when I visit my family in two weeks, baby Lan will be there.

I'm over joyed. 

Things in my life are going surprisingly well.  Which I guess is a good thing, since things sucked for so long.  but really, my life is kind of like a fairytale at the moment.

1.  I went to look at a beautiful studio last week, and it was affordable for the city.  Less than what I am currently paying for a room in an apartment.  The place has been completely renovated and refurbished (freshly glazed tub, newly varnished floor, all new appliances, etc).  So I applied and figured i wouldn't get accepted considering I am a grad student and their demand for "verifiable income" was much higher than what I made.  But thanks to my awesome credit and a few pay stubs here and there and a copy of my award letter I GOT IT!!!!  I HAS A HOME NOW!!!!!  So starting on August 15th or so I will live alone.  Blissfully and completely alone in a beautiful sundrenched studio in Brooklyn.  This bitch is happy bout that.

2.  I went out of town this weekend to go climbing.    I went to the Gunks, which is the best trad rock climbing that exists in the entire world.  No seriously.  Its amazing.  For any rock climbers, this place is a gear placing dream!!!!  And although I didn't do a climb as bad ass as this guy, the view was equally beautiful.  I'm going back in three weeks for my birthday.  And I am going back again every other week until the season ends.  I like the town enough that I am seriously considering moving there post graduation from graduate school.  I figure with pilates teaching (certification will be complete by June) and other piece meal work, I can keep myself afloat for a year or two while I apply for PhD programs. 

3.  I love my dog.  I love my friends.  I love my family.  And I am incredibly blessed.  I miss a lot of you, just so you know.

Yesterday I set to have a good day.  I went shopping, in search of a cute sundress, and came back empty.  But I was successful in purchasing overpriced body products from Sabon, so it wasn't a total loss.  I then went to collect the money I had made by participating in a psych study at Columbia.  While in the study I get an email from Kellie stating that "as much as she loves me, she needs to be alone".  Crestfallen, I proceeded to walk from 116th and Broadway, all the way to 42nd street (thats a long way for you non-new yorkers).  I cried a lot on the walk, tried to process it all.  And instead went and saw the new X-Files movie.  Sadly, it was horrendous.  I won't say much else other than that I want my 12 bucks from teh ticket back, my two hours of watching, and my entire 10 years of love for x-files returned to me.  I even want all the cash I spent on x-files paraphenailia refunded to me. 

After the movie, i went to see Kellie to close the book and write the conclusion.  I picked up my stuff and tried to whittle it down to something digestable.  All I can say, my only take away is she is one confused and scared puppy.  She doesn't believe love lasts, and she doesn't trust it when she has it.  She claims she has no idea who she is at her core (which isn't true, she is like the most steadfast person ever in regards to acheiving her goals, etc).  So she wants to be alone to figure it out. 

So fellow colleagues in the "love is fucked" generation, I have a proposal to make you.  Lets stop being so idiotic, as a culture.  How's about we do something novel and EMBRACE happiness and love.  Why is it that being depressed, sad and lonely is so much cooler than being happy and excited about life?  Why is it that there is all this talk about "i need to find out who I really am" bullshit?  I had a long talk with my father and he just laughed.  He doesn't understand what our generations obsession with finding ourselves is.  As he so aptly stated "Then never date anyone again, because you will never find yourself.  Hell, I am in my fifties and I am still finding myself!"  And maybe my happy go lucky little world of idealism, where my parents are still married, and did so early (23) has me confused with the reality.  But honestly kids, I just want to "get married", have one or two children, and own a small cottage somewhere in the woods close-ish to a city where I have a garden and can smell the earth everyday.

So fuck it.  Discussions with Kellie have closed.  I'm back to square one.  But I look fantastic (I have lost some weight thanks to my pilates/biking routine), I have a fresh manicure, my friend Ann and I are planning a vacation somewhere exciting, and I can pretty much do anything I want with my life.

Boo yah.

Find the Zombie Love of your life!  Zombieharmony

1.  I have no place to live as of September 1st.  I gave notice to my apartment because I was expecting to get into LSE.  Suffice to say, I didn't get in.  I shouldn't have given notice.  That was stupid beyond belief.  But now they have filled the room already, with a friend of theirs, and I am homeless as of September 1st.  I am sure I can find a place and all, but I just just just settled into the place.  And I really really really don't want to move.

2.  Kellie and I are talking again.  We are kind of in limbo.  Discussing options for the future etc.  I will update more as time progresses.

3.  I am really stressed because I have a midterm tomorrow which is absolutely not prepared for. 

Dear Cupid,

Fuck you.  You heard me!  FUCK YOU!  I know, I know.  You are cute, all you do is make people fall in love.  But enough is enough.  I have a type, you know it.  I know it.  I love gentle people with kind and soft hearts.  People who have gentle dispositions.  They contrast to my rough and often bombastic personality.  But always, ALWAYS ALWAYS, they end.  Either because I get bored or because they can't take me anymore.  So, just stop.

Next time you hit me with an arrow and make me fall madly in love with someone, make it someone who can actually tolerate my personality. 

K. Thnx.  Bye.

of weddings....

EDIT: No no. I am not moving yet...Just in due time. Probably by December.


Dear New York City,

I will not miss you when I go. I haven't slept since I moved here, and every time I go to sleep I dream of your chaos. I won't miss your citizens who beg on the street corners, and even though I give and give, I know I am doing little good.

I won't miss the men on your subways who stare at me late at night. Some nights because I look like a fierce femme with heels and dresses that are low cut and other nights because you can't decide if i am a boy or a girl with my shag hair, no makeup, no jewelry and polo shirt/skinny jeans/puma look. Tell him to stop looking at others too if you get a chance.

I won't miss your subway stations. Reeking of piss and decaying rats. Heat trapped by a train that should never have been underground anyway. The screeeeetch of a million bodies shuffling under the streets.

I won't miss my acquaintances, the ones who lost hope long ago. Forty year olds still trying to live the dream of being 22. Planning parties, getting wasted, and wondering how they drank away 20 years of their lives only to live in the same shitty studio apartment as they did in the 80's when they escaped their small hometowns.

But I will miss your energy, the buzz, the high I get from just exiting my door and walking into your streets.

But you know what, I won't miss the depression either. And I will be ecstatic when I can smile again without being afraid.

this is the grossest thing ever about gender nonsense.  but i am procrastinating on midterms.

Your Boy Side

[x] You love hoodies
[x] You love jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[x] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[] Shopping is torture. With the possible exception of Grocery shopping.
[] Sad movies suck.
[] You own an X-Box.
[x] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You own a DS, PS2 or Sega.
[x] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You watch sports on TV.
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[] You own a trillion baseball caps.
[x] You like going to football games.
[x] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[x] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[x] Sports are fun.
[x] Talk with food in your mouth.
[x] Wear boxers.

Total: 19

Your Girl Side
[x] You wear lip gloss.
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear eyeliner.
[x] You have some of the same shirts in different colors.
[] You wear the color pink.
[] Go to your mom for advice.
[] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like hanging out at the mall.
[x] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[x] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories.
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[] You care about what you look like.
[] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[] You wear girl underwear.
[x] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[x] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.

Total:  11

1.  WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME HOW GOOD FIREFLY IS? WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!   I have been in the dark about Firefly for how long now?  Sheesh.

2.  New t.v. show In Plain Sight is the best thing ever.  And the main character is named Mary Shannon.  :-)

which I am pretty sure is limited to about two people right now.  but that is fine.  :-)

1.  I am no longer enrolled at NYU, being that I feel I can get a far superior education elsewhere.  I love my professors, but the students just aren't that interesting and for the most part, I am feeling unchallenged.  This was a suggestion of my professors, not something I thought of myself.  but that being said, I will still be taking a class at NYU this fall because its a seminar which requires an application to be accepted.  And I am excited about it and its with my favorite professor ever.

2.  No NYU, means now Columbia.  holyfuckingshitiamsoexcited about being at Columbia.  The details aren't that important but I will be taking class in the fall with Jeff Sachs, who is THE DEVELOPMENT ECONOMIST OF ALL DEV. ECONOMISTS!!!!!  INSANITY.  And from there I have no idea what I will be doing.  Ultimately, my plan is to....ummm.....no idea.  Kennedy School at Har-vahd looks awesome of course.  But I have like no chance in hell to get in there. 

3.  I really really like math and school and such. 

Sooo....I am in graduate school.  I have been flailing around for a while debating about whether or not I should even be in grad school.  I always just felt mediocre at everything.  I always felt like I was failing.....

BUT!  BUT BuT BUT!!!!!  I did really well in graduate school.

House:  Hi, I am doctor house.

Inspector:  I've heard your name.

House:  Most people have.  Its also a noun.

1.  You go to a used bookstore (specifically the bookmill, where you eat a Brown Rice Salad at the Lady K) and you buy the following books:  Remarks on the Foundations of Mathematics by Wittgenstein;  Fragile Peace (State failure, violence and development in crisis regions); and Population and Economy.  And upon buying said books you are UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY.

2.  Your entire year is made because you are the first to arrive and the last to leave a reception with your old professors.  And they dote upon you like a long lost child because you have FINALLY made something of yourself.  After everyone else leaves, the entire crew proceeds to drink incredible amounts of wine. This also makes you really happy.


And between these two events you decide that the day is the best one you have ever had in your life. 

1.  Kellie and I got back together.
2.  I am started my Pilates teacher training certification in september
3.  I am moving to a farm in Massachusetts in '09 for the summer
4.  I have a sudden urge to join the Peace Corps.
5.  i can't decide if for my future profession I will be a : marketing executive, world traveler, writer, photographer, math teacher, recreation specialist, etc. 
6.  I can't sleep without dreaming of future plans.
7.  I have a sudden urge to also move to Alaska.


need I say more?